I miss the way you nag at me all day long.
I miss the way you always scold the maid so much we had to change so many of them in a year.
I miss the way you laugh.
I miss the way you screamed and threatened me whenever I don't listen or I talk back to you.
I miss the way you sing your old Chinese & Hokkien songs out loud to yourself.
I miss the way you snore so loudly till me and my brother started cursing.
I miss the way you would sing those Malay folk songs to me when I was young.
I miss the way you would cook such spicy sambal for us.
I miss the way you curse at every single thing.
I miss the way you would stroke my hair, thanking god for having a pretty grandchild like me(:
I miss the way you would then change your mind, saying I have a rotten attitude and looks aren't everything.
I miss the way you nag at me when I shower after 8pm, worrying I would get headache the next morning.
I miss the way you would bring back goodies for us whenever you came home from temples.
I miss the way you answer the phone, shouting rudely to the person on the line.
I miss the way you would insist to personally rub medicated oil on my tummy whenever I'm not feeling well.
I miss the care and concern of your voice.
I miss everything.
I miss you.

Now, you lie on the bed all day long, doing nothing.
Waiting for time to pass and dreading every moment of it.
Refusing to eat your medicine.
Ignoring every word we say.
Crying silently at night.
Looking at me with those sad eyes.
It pierces right down to the core of my heart, don't you know that??

It hurts, it really does.
To see how much weight you've lost in just one week.
I know losing the capability to walk is something tough to overcome.
I know you hate not being able to do anything anymore, and be so dependent on people.
You're slowly losing your memories..
But you can get better.
I hope, I pray.
You once said you wanna teach me how to cook that sambal right?
I'm willing to learn, if you're willing to teach me now.
It hurts so much. The pain is intolerable, Grandma.
The house is really quiet without your nagging, without your usual presence.
I used to cheer whenever you're out, because it means I have peace for once at home.
But now, hearing how time stands still whenever I'm at home, I feel....empty.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for talking back to you.
I'm sorry for having no time for you before.
I'm sorry for ignoring you.
I'm sorry for cursing you.
I'm sorry for saying I hated you in my life.
I didn't mean it.
You mean the world to me.
You're a part of my life.

I'm sobbing really hard now, choking on my tears.
I want to hear your comforting voice,
gently patting me on the back,
telling me not to cry...
Asking me why I'm crying, and whether it's because my brother bullied me again.

Grandma please, get well.
Please, don't lose hope....
Don't give up, not yet.
Not yet, Grandma.

Because.....
I'm not ready to lose you.
I'm not.
Please.


The tears fall, they're so easy to wipe off onto my sleeve, but how do I erase the stain from my heart?

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Ello, the name’s Sherena.
I’m Nineteen this year & am lovin’ it.
I’m a Cancerian.
Imma bookworm.
I close ranks in suspicion & coldness toward outsiders.
That doesn’t mean I’m unsociable, just that for me, there is a time to socialize and a time to be solitary.
I’m appreciative of art and literature, and especially of drama, where the spectacle and ebb and flow of action and feeling particularly excite me.
I have a retentive memory, particularly for emotionally laden events which I can still recall in detail for years afterwards.
I’m too easily influenced by those I love and admire, & can be swayed by the emotion of the moment.

I am never one to patiently pick up
already broken fragments & glue em back together again
& tell myself that everything would be as good as new.
What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it
as it was at it's very best than try to mend it
& see the broken pieces as long as I lived.

Love is what all of us are born with.
Fear is what we learn throughout the years.
I believe that the spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear & prejudices
& the acceptance of pure love back in our hearts.
Love is truly the essential reality and our purpose in life.

And to be consciously aware of it,
to really take the risk,
give our all and experience love in ourselves & others,
is the real meaning of life.

Meaning does not lie in things.
Meaning lies in us.