Hhhmm.
Last night I went for Gigi's BBQ partay.
Was like an hour late, and when I went there, Gigi was nowhere to be found.
Somemore say wanna wait for me! D:
Lol.
Spotted a petite skinny figure!
WEITING!
LOL.
We both faster stick to each other liao.
LOL.
She very fun to be with de leh. Like to bully her.
HAHAHAHA. XD
Decided to go find Gigi.
Went to her house.
Saw her and her grp of friends there.
Said hi to Avere.
Blah.
Went down.
Talked, followed Gigi, played with Weiting.
Had to admit that Gigi was more preoccupied with her that grp of friends lol.
Hhhmm.
Was feeling left out, but Weiting was there.
Like she said, they came a farrrrrrrr way from here what.
And what about me? I just live downstairs what.
So it's fine if she pangsaes me cos she get to practically see me everyday if she wants to.
That kinda sting.
When me and Weiting heard that, we looked at each other and knew we both were experiencing the same hurt.
We thought we were your bestfriends.
At least I thought I was.
Sometimes I wonder, if we hadn't bothered to follow you like your schoolmates, would you have neglected us the same as them?

I'm not complaining my dear.
But I'm just really iono..confused about you last night.
So is Weiting.
Both of us were unsure about our importance to you at all.

And the most disappointing thing is this.
SOMEONE kept insulting me, scolding me, and pulling my self esteem down.
And you were there, the whole time.
Why did you keep mum about it?
Why didn't you...help?
Didnt you see me look into your eyes, expecting you to say something to your friend whenever he insults me?
But you just kept quiet and looked down.
Once, you even laughed along when he hurl insults at me.
When I saw that, it's like someone tore my heart apart, slammed it onto the ground, and stepped on it over and over again.
I was hurt, I felt like crying.
I didn't say a thing because it was your birthday, darling.
I was expecting much more from you, much more.

Any of my bestfriends would have stood up for me.
Dina, confirm will be hurling vulgarities at your friend.
Amanda, despite her being so petite, would scold your friend like mad.
Weeleng, would have insulted him back fiercely too.
It's not that they are petty.
It's because they know how sensitive I am to insults.
You meant the most to me, don't you know that?
Even of all my best friends, you were the most important.
Yet, you didn't do anything but laugh along.

I did cry.
I went out of the swimming pool holding a fake smile (and you didn't notice that)
and called Weiting to follow me back to my house to "blow dry" my hair.
When I got home, my tears had already started falling and I was glad Weiting didn't see it.
Washed my face, and made sure I appear normal.
It worked.

After some time, we decided to tell you what we felt.
We did get an apology, but no actions.
We continued following you around again with your group of friends.
Your particular friend still kept insulting me.
I didn't really mind much, but it kinda pissed me off when you did nothing though.
Its fucking retarded and unfair.
When I insult your friends, you shoot me the look.
And it's obvious you don't like me insulting them.
Then them?
They can insult me all they like, and you do nothing and laugh along?
What the hell.
Seriously.
Weiting was so upset, she left early.
Even haven't cut cake yet.
When she left, I felt even more empty, more lonely.
Went to talk to Avere since you seem pissed at me.

Hung out awhile longer.
Cut the cake.
And I decided to go home.


I'm so troubled I don't even know who to talk to about this.
I'm so not making a big fuss.
So is Weiting.
We cared so much about this because we both expected more from you.
That I can't deny.
I tell my friends, even my bestfriends, how awesome you are, how perfect you are, and how you are my bestbestbestbestest friend in the world.
No kidding, ask any of them.
But last night really made me ponder two things.

Are you able to live up to that title?

What am I to you at all?

Sigh.
I was crying even when I wrote this post lol.
You won't understand how hurtful was yesterday.
Choices have consequences, my dear.
I didn't expect this at all.
We haven't quarreled in years.










I'm just, disappointed I guess.

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Ello, the name’s Sherena.
I’m Nineteen this year & am lovin’ it.
I’m a Cancerian.
Imma bookworm.
I close ranks in suspicion & coldness toward outsiders.
That doesn’t mean I’m unsociable, just that for me, there is a time to socialize and a time to be solitary.
I’m appreciative of art and literature, and especially of drama, where the spectacle and ebb and flow of action and feeling particularly excite me.
I have a retentive memory, particularly for emotionally laden events which I can still recall in detail for years afterwards.
I’m too easily influenced by those I love and admire, & can be swayed by the emotion of the moment.

I am never one to patiently pick up
already broken fragments & glue em back together again
& tell myself that everything would be as good as new.
What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it
as it was at it's very best than try to mend it
& see the broken pieces as long as I lived.

Love is what all of us are born with.
Fear is what we learn throughout the years.
I believe that the spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear & prejudices
& the acceptance of pure love back in our hearts.
Love is truly the essential reality and our purpose in life.

And to be consciously aware of it,
to really take the risk,
give our all and experience love in ourselves & others,
is the real meaning of life.

Meaning does not lie in things.
Meaning lies in us.