HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF!! WOOHOOO
Okay haha.
Lol.
Sigh. I dont know how to say this,
but this ISNT going to be a blogpost about how awesome it is and shit.
Oh btw, so far I already have like 5 birthday celebrations!
Amanda & Weeleng
Mike & my model friends & photogs
Family sushi dinner celebration with sushi cake
With all my closest poly buddies (3 cliques altogether!)
With BFF Dina, Ameerul and Malcolm.
THANK YOU ALL FOR EVERYTHING!
ENJOYED MYSELF and I really appreciate it!
:)
Thanks baby, for surprising me AHAHH.
Youre not such a bad surprise-r after all.
Okay anyway.
Be prepared for a long post,
cos this post is going to be a confession post.
Confessions which I have been hiding from some of you.
Its time.
They say 18 is the official age for adulthood,
and I want to confess everything and start anew,
hoping those who I have lied to would comprehend me and
hopefully, forgive me.
-------------------------------
I havent changed much from last year.
No major difference, only my hair.
Still as sleepyhead and lazy as can be.
Still as whiny and clumsy as can be.
Truth is,
to some of you, especially even to some close friends,
FOR APPEARANCE, I'm not the one you thought you knew in the past.
I was really really fat.
Guess which is me.
The fattest one.
The one with two plaids, 2nd from left.
AHAHAHAHAH no seriously.
Baby fats?
Not really.
I was about 67 kg then.
I put on 10kg more when I came to secondary school.
77kg is hella..... chubby for a girl like me.
I looked like a geek,
tried wayyy too hard to be an ahlian (went to thin my awesome natural thick hair into some bloodyass thin shit, had longgg fringes which dont suit my basketball round face AT ALL, and etcetc),
and I had no life.
Sure, I have friends in school.
I dont even know why I have them LOL.
HONESTLY.
I have friends, more acquaintances though,
and am really inferior and had really low self esteem.
I had only one bestfriend who stuck with me through it all in sec school,
and it was Amanda. (xoxo you rock my socks babe)
Guys tease me about my weight ALL THE TIME.
About my size.
PE was a nightmare.
Taking weight was a nightmare.
Being a teenage girl still,
I long for love.
I long for someone who loves me.
But suddenly, everything seems so hard.
Like, its impossible.
You will never understand how it feels,
how lonely, scared, and how sorry you feel for yourself.
All my friends were bragging about their lovelife,
while I had nothing.
I started to play online games,
and my life suddenly changed.
I could be whoever the hell I want to be.
I could be a fcking chiooooooooobu, nobody would know.
And maybe if Im lucky,
I could even find someone who likes me!
Its funny though,
how in online games, guys just judge you on how
chio your ONLINE AVATAR is and they will
start talking to ya.
Its suddenly so easy to grab their attention.
Yes, I spend tons of money on online games,
but its hella worth it.
I became a superstar overnight.
I felt like Im the center of attention wherever the hell I go online.
Just because of a pixelated miniskirt and tube top.
(Pfft like I would EVER wear that out.)
And then one day,
I met 2 guys on maple and I did the same to them like how I did to the rest.
Lie.
I lie and lie and lie.
Creating this very flawless, beautiful image of myself to them,
attracting them,
just like the rest.
The only time I was real is when I was on the phone.
My personality was real, I would never ever
EVER lie about that.
But, appearance wise....
Welllllllllllllll I
KINDA used someone else's pics as my own.
No life.
Pathetic.
I know.
And I admit.
I
DEFINITELY felt guilty for lying to them,
I really do!
But whenever they compliment me on my looks (which is not even mine actually)
I just feel so light and happy.
And for a moment,
I actually believe that I am beautiful.
I feel high, like I'm indestructible.
But when I look at myself in the mirror,
everything just shatters,
that beautifully created image of myself is gone,
and I'm standing there,
looking as fugly as ever,
knowing that I'm deceiving everyone,
including myself.
But I couldnt stop.
I feel horrible at times, especially when I get closer and closer to this friend of mine,
called Stein.
We were soooo close, but I just couldnt tell him.
I couldnt!
Whenevr I think about it,
I was so afraid he would get so mad with me and just leave.
And I didnt want to lose such a good friend.
So I hid the truth.
I covered up a lie with even more lies...
till secondary 3.
I decided to change my life.
I went on a crash diet.
I had enough.
Enough of every fucking thing.
Of all the teasing,
the insults,
the lies,
the doubts,
the gloating,
every fcking blo0ody thing.
I want to fcking get rid of it.
It just happened one day,
it was a horrible day, I could only remember that,
and my crush in school (who was a jock)
was playing some game
and they all were joking that
who loses has to have sex with me/marry me.
They laughed and cursed each other so much.
I felt so horrible.
Thats when it hit me hard.
That this is my life.
My real life.
I wanted to be ANYONE else but me.
Nobody wanted to be with me. At all.
When I went home, I went berserk.
Iono, maybe it was my PMS
(Lol probably cos I forgot why Im so affected by their insults suddenly that day)
I am tormenting myself and gaining a savage satisfaction from it.
I want to hurt myself more,
stab myself in the wound,
and break down my horrible self.
I sink my teeth into the side of my hand and bite down as hard as I can.
I taste blood.
But the physical pain doesn’t even begin to dent the mental one.
I cry until I can barely move.
I decided to change my life.
First thing on the list, crash diet.
ANd this time, I shall persevere.
By the end of first week, I see results.
I was eating really little, and start to hit the gym.
Lied to everyone that I had eaten in school,
filled my tummy with nothing but water,
stick to hitting the gym.
When I begin to see results after just one week,
i continued, as determined as ever.
June hols came after a month of dieting.
I chiong-ed my crash diet during that period of time.
And after 2 months, I lost 20+kg.
When I came back to school,
I swear,
EVERYONE was staring at me.
At how loose my uniform had became.
At how sharp my face became.
At how my features suddenly got more defined,
And most of all,
at my figure.
Suddenly people were being extra nice to me,
I get my way more often,
people I dont even know started to say hi to me,
people who usually ignore me notices me.
My life is changing.
And Im lovin every single second of it.
All of this only then confirmed my doubts all along
that looks really does matter to everyone,
and this made me soo afraid to tell you the truth and confess
because I was so afraid you'll get so mad at me.
I worked on improving myself,
till now.
Maintaining my weight and stuff.
Its tough work,
and my health is still ruined due to my crash diet.
And Im still coping with it.
Worth it or not?
To me, it is.
Cos its life changing.
And Im
sorry,
that I had lied to you during that period of time.
i was not that pretty girl in that picture I sent you when we first met.
Heck, I looked hideous till mid Sec 3!
Im terribly sorry to anyone who I had lied to,
and I hope you forgive me.
Its hard.
But please understand my situation.
I just think you should know this by now.
And I really hope YOU will forgive me this time!
Thats one of my birthday wishes, actually.
Oh wells.
Till then.
Still as sleepyhead and lazy as can be.
Still as whiny and clumsy as can be.
Guess which is me.
Ello, the name’s Sherena.
A homemade candlelight dinner/picnic for two on the beach!
Cuddling at home and watching a rented dvd together and eating popcorn
